FIN…
“If you walk out that door, this relationship is over, L!” And so it is finally over. It took three trials but it’s now a done deal. I guess it’s true what they say- the third time is the charm. What is it about our differences and shortcomings that make even the most flawsome relationships fall apart?
Anyway, as a stickler for consistency, I have decided to use this last article to rehash the entire situation, gain a broader perspective and hopefully close this chapter.
Today I was eager to see you, not having seen you for three long weeks. I put on one of the numerous shirts you gifted me, as my way of saying, “I hear you and I don’t take you for granted”. I skipped breakfast because I so desperately wanted to keep to time and had even prepped myself mentally to meet the men who you regard so highly in your life. In the last few weeks, I had felt like a lot was happening so fast. The conversation and eventually argument about making an effort to connect more with each others families still left me puzzled. “Wasn’t it too soon?” and “Shouldn’t we just bond naturally with time?” were both thoughts that rushed through my mind. I found myself struggling to comprehend why my decisions in this situation wouldn’t be respected in the relationship. I even had to get differing opinions and somehow I knew I wasn’t going crazy. A year and six months might seem like a long time to most but it’s a hell of a short time for me to start building connections with someone’s family. I just wasn’t ready! We are still figuring life out (at least I am) and really didn’t want to feel pressured by either of our families. Still, I resolved to take daily steps and put in the work because it mattered to you. I literally would have done anything for you but I just needed time to process and make the decisions mine. I guess we weren’t on the same page and that’s fine.
Today I had come to spend time with you. I had no idea that I’d need to assist in the kitchen. You offered to make us breakfast and I requested to assist but you insisted that I stay put. I had a meeting for an hour and found out that I had mixed the dates up. I felt delighted that I would get to give you my undivided attention. I stepped down to the kitchen to be with you and I see you, focused on helping your mum out in the kitchen. You had guests coming over, guests I had been informed that I was going to be introduced to. Reading the business in the room, I decided to stay put, out of the way but still near enough to help out if asked to do so. I didn’t want to be a bother to anyone. I didn’t know what I was meant to do. I stood up and came next to you just to remind you-through my actions-that “I was here”. I asked, “Are you okay?” at least once and recall your response being, “Yes.” I made sure to open the kitchen door whenever your hands were so full. Alas, the letdown of the day was, “You didn’t ask to help.” Sigh. I didn’t know I was supposed to ask. I came. I made myself available. But I didn’t ask. How tragic.
I am not a mind reader. If you needed specific help from me, you could have asked. For me, the event that unfolded subsequently was bizarre. After staying in the kitchen for so long and feeling like a brick wall I decided to go back upstairs. To wait for you, knowing fully well you’d be exhausted. You came up, laid down on the other edge of the bed, kept silent for a moment and then asked, “Are you okay?” I affirmed and mentioned that I was only tired. I posed the question back to you and your response was, “I’m upset with you. Why didn’t you offer to help us out in the kitchen?” Confused, I tried to defend myself (as this is my comfort reaction). “I made myself available but I wasn’t asked to do anything.” In retrospect, maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. But can someone, anyone, tell me the proper behavior for a visitor (probably I was no longer considered a visitor) when your host has guests?
I have made my decision and it hurts like hell now, but I wasn’t going to stay there and be made to feel bad just because I didn’t “ask to help out.” I hear stories about how couples break up over issues that end up being inconsequential in the grand scheme of things and today I have joined that population. I guess we had a good run.
I have so far learned that love and heartbreak are just two sides of the same coin. It’s been a bittersweet relationship and I’m glad I got to do it with X. Thank you for loving me like you did. You would be sorely missed. I do wish you the best of life and the best of love, and pray that you take good care of yourself.
P.s: Just in case I cross your mind in the future and you wonder how I’m doing, just know that “I’m okay.”
Goodbye X.
Love,
L
