Honestly, in writing this article I don’t even know where to start. There’s so much I want to say, so much in my head but I don’t even know how to say it. I worry that I may not be coherent, I worry that I might mean one thing but say something that means another completely different thing. I worry that I probably shouldn’t even be saying anything.
Of what use are the things I would love to say if they are nothing but words? I’ve always felt that the efficacy of words lies in their ability to foster action. However I find myself knowing neither what to say nor what to do. It’s a place I never want to be in ever again. It’s a place of confusion and helplessness and hopelessness.
Before I go on rambling as I have feared I will, I think I had better just get to the point of this letter. I just want you to know that I am here with you. Honestly, I can’t even say I know of what use my presence or companionship would be to you in this instant but I just want you to know that I am here, at least until the point when you are better off with my absence.
This is just me reassuring you and saying to you that I believe we are a formidable team and will successfully deal with whatever it is we have to deal with, if we play like a team. I really do not know how to be of help in this moment which has been really difficult for you but I think offering myself to you is a start. Use me in whatever way would make you feel better.
I give myself not because I necessarily think it is worth that much but because I find it to be one of the only things I can truly give. I wish I could have this all figured out, share the plan with you and have you forget all about these worries, but I can’t. I wish I could take some of the burden off you and bear it myself but I also can’t do that or at least I don’t know how.
I love you L, and the only thing worse than seeing you this hurt is not being able to do anything about it.
I have failed you and I am sorry. Please forgive me and show me how to help.
I love you,
X
