What would you say is the most difficult aspect of a relationship? We get used to hearing clichés like “there’s no relationship without its troubles”. What we don’t hear as often though is what exactly is most commonly the cause of trouble in these relationships and exactly how to deal with them. It’s at times like this that I wish there was a manual for relationships. A booklet I could simply glance at and understand how exactly to deal with the problem I might be facing in my relationship. I know, I know…the argument against the whole manual thing is probably that relationships would simply become boring and also that no two relationships are the same therefore it wouldn’t be possible to find a universally applicable manual.
That brings me to two main reasons I think relationships are mostly bound to be troubled. Before delving into them, I think a question worth pondering would be: “are romantic relationships more troubled than other conventional relationships? If yes then why?”
For me, the first reason most relationships are as troubled as they are is the simple fact that they often consist of two different people who are usually more different than they even realise. Honestly the difference between the two people in a relationship can never be overstated but unfortunately, it is often understated. I have dated L for over 19 months (yes this is long or not depending on how you look at it) and after about 12 months, the number of arguments we had reduced significantly. Of course, we were both glad when we first observed this. We’re finally getting to know each other better, we’re finally beginning to understand each other. We couldn’t have been more wrong.
Yes, our arguments reduced but maybe they did only because we had begun to understand how to deal with certain aspects of each other and not necessarily because we now knew each other as well as we would love to believe. A quick question to put things in perspective. How long do you think it would take you to fully know a full grown adult stranger? In my case, I met L at the age of 25. This means I had had 25 years of experiences which had shaped my thoughts, ideas and behaviour up until then. People who have known me my entire life still hardly know me so exactly how long would it take L to fully know and understand me? Definitely not 19 months. The things that got me upset and why they did. The way I thought and why I thought that way. The manner in which I reacted to certain situations and the reason I reacted in that manner. The truth is she really might never get to fully understand me, which is probably why the concept of simply accepting those we love has been popularised.
Moving on from the fact that a relationship is the coming together of two very different people, I dare say it is also often the coming together of two people who barely know even who they are. In my case, it wasn’t until my relationship with L that I really began to see some of my actions and behaviours for what they truly are.
Honestly this particular article feels more like a rambling than a coherent collection of my thoughts but I guess what is most important is that it actually comes from within me.
I’m not sure the exact reason I have written all that I have but I hope I read it at some point and am able to learn certain lessons from it. I hope you are as well.
The process of accepting not just myself but also you L has been a really difficult one. This is me reminding myself that it doesn’t necessarily get easier. I hope it does but I wouldn’t bank on it.
I hope we are able to weather the really turbulent storms, I hope we are able to fully accept each other for who we are and not who we want each other to be. I hope most importantly that whatever we choose and however this ends up, we end up happy.
We have often joked about the reason (or lack thereof) we are in love with each other. I hope that the reasons for love continuously outweigh whatever other reasons that may give rise to other feelings.
I love you,
X
